Dominance and submission is getting more and more attention. In large part I think because of the rising popularity of erotic romance novels written on the subject. While I am one of these writers, and I adore combining my love of romance with my kinkier side, these books are still fiction, a fantasy. They are meant for entertainment purposes and should not ever be taken as an example of how the world of BDSM, or the people in it, function. Anymore than you would pick up a historical romance and assume all the Dukes and Lords were sexy, with a dazzling white even smile, heroic, charming men who fell head over heels in love with their virgin brides.
We all want the happy ending, and many of us want the romance, the excitement, and the adventure falling in love brings, but I think in this day and age it would be ridiculous and bordering on delusional to take any of the books I, or any of my brilliant colleagues, write, and assume your life will at all resemble that of a romance novel heroine's.
That's not to say that I don't believe the fairy tale exists, because I do. I believe in soul mates. I just also think it's exceedingly rare and most of us will never see that kind of love in this lifetime, it's why we all read the books. However, even if the fairy tale isn't in store for you, that doesn't mean you cannot have a deeply connected relationship that includes soul satisfying sex. There are a few things though that are necessity and luckily enough most of it all depends on you.
Now lets take the world of BDSM.
The first thing I would like to say is that it is not all that different from any other group of people sharing a hobby. For many, BDSM is a lifestyle, but for just as many, it's something they only do sexually. It's not some dark secret underground society you have to be initiated into. And while there is great range of degree and how far people will take their kinks, there is definitely a shallow end of the pool you can use to wade in slowly, which I personally think is a good idea and here's why...
- Think of BDSM the same as you would any vanilla relationship or sexual encounter, only the risk factor is multiplied ten fold as you will be putting yourself under the complete control of another human being and in many case, may be bound and gagged and helpless to defend yourself if you choose a play partner badly.
- It can be very confusing and disorienting at first if all you've ever experienced is vanilla in your relationships
- If you are exploring this by yourself, you have no friends or guide in the lifestyle, then going slow is imperative because mistakes you make here can cost you greatly. I'll go so far as to say you can wind up emotionally and, very literally, physically scarred for life if you are not smart and careful.
While you can do this within the privacy of your own home, find a Dom on-line and invite him on over... I think it is safer for a new person to get around the community. They will look out for you! These can be very dangerous shark infested waters and those serious about BDSM know the good guys from the bad guys and will direct you accordingly. No this doesn't mean you have to hunt down your local sex club and show up in nipple clamps. There are much more moderate ways to get involved and I'll touch on some of those in a minute.
One of facets of our culture I find so fascinating right now is how many women seem drawn to being submissive. When I date a vanilla man and I say to him that I'm a sub, 99% of the time each and every man will come back with, "I think most women are submissive by nature." Interesting that even today, when women are accomplishing everything from politics to corporations, men still view us as primarily submissive. Women, who fought for decades to gain their freedom and independence from a man, now just a few generations in are wanting to throw it back and find a man who'll dominate them.
I read a lot of blogs from confused submissives who can't reconcile their feminist side with their submissive needs. I don't think it's really all that complicated, I think the reasons so many women are attracted to the idea of submission is because is because A- it's not your "place" anymore. There's no expectation that you will be a good little submissive wife. If you choose to be submissive to a man, a good Dom will respect and appreciate that. It becomes a gift that you're giving and it always feels good to give a gift to someone you cherish. And B- I personally feel feminism has gone too far in many areas almost stripping us of our femininity. While I won't go so far as to call it evil, I do think we've lost a great deal of the benefit of being female. And I think when, as a woman, you submit to a man, let him overpower you and take you sexually, there is something innately feminine about it that we don't get in our day to day lives and quite frankly, we need it.
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Lets face it, most of us are bone deep tired, working, sometimes more than one job, trying to raise kids, maybe going to college, or trying to build a career and in all aspects of our lives we expend a great deal of energy being in charge. I know for myself personally, I can kick ass in my day to day life, but it drains me. To have a time where I can let all of that go, and be dominated... it feeds a need in my soul that nothing else reaches and recharges my batteries so I can go out there again tomorrow and kick some more ass.
Whatever your reasons are, if you are thinking about, longing for, or even gone so far as to start exploring your kinkier side, your submissive side, then you are answering a deeper calling within yourself that absolutely should be heard.
While BDSM isn't for everyone, if submissive is who you authentically are then I don't believe you'll find the peace or satisfaction you seek in any relationship other than with a good and caring Dom. And this brings me to my next point...
The most important thing I want you to hear is this... There are some wonderful people in the world of BDSM. Non judgmental kind, open and caring people. However extraordinary Doms are NOT a dime a dozen and these men have their pick of submissives. To obtain the attention of a good Dom, you're going to have to be a good sub and that means being smart, strong, intelligent. The kind of sub who knows what she wants, won't settle for less and most importantly knows how to, and isn't afraid to, set limits and say no.
You want a great Dom? Learn to be the best sub you can be. A true Dom is not interested in grinding some mindless woman under his heel. A true D/s relationship is a power exchange. The Dom gets off on being able to dominate a strong woman who has said no to everyone but him and as a sub I can tell you that finding that one Dom to say yes to after I've said no to countless others, is a high unlike anything I've ever felt before.
If you are a worthy sub, the Doms will be beating down your door. It can become a good old fashion stag fight in some instances and as women, come on, that's fucking awesome! Make the Doms work for it. Make them impress you. Make them earn that trust that is so imperative to the relationship. Don't give it away because he's hot and wrote the word "Dom" on his profile. Be smart and be patient. You won't ever regret it because before you get into a relationship with a Dom, the ball is entirely in your court. They will be seeking you. After, your life becomes about pleasing, and obedience, and learning and though it's a wonderful thing to be in, that first part, where you have all the power, doesn't come around again, so don't rush it!
If you are completely new to this entire idea, but it draws you in and you know you need to find out more, read! I can't encourage that enough. There are countless blogs out there, many written by submissives sharing their journey. You'll find a few that I follow at the bottom right on this blog in my blog roll. There are several very good books on the subject, Different Loving is considered by many to be the bible of BDSM and worthwhile reading. There are articles, blogs, organizations and a myriad of other information you can find out from Googling terms like BDSM and Power Exchange. One thing I want to mention specifically is find your local BDSM community. I don't care where you live, you'll find one and most hold something called a "munch" usually once a month. It's something akin to a pot luck. It's a very casual setting, no one shows up in bondage gear, you share food, laughter, conversation and you'll get to know people in a very non threatening way.
This is such an abundant topic that I could go on forever, but I'll stop here for now. If you are looking for a relationship that goes beyond anything you've experienced before. If you crave someone to dominate you. If in your most private thoughts and fantasies are of a large man who owns you. There is nothing wrong with you, submission is a beautiful thing and as I said before, it is a gift to your Dom. Just be smart, be careful, do not ever compromise yourself physically or emotionally. Walk this path with your eyes open, listening and learning and don't be too quick to jump into anything unless you are very certain you can trust the person you intend to give yourself to.
Please feel free to contact me if you want to discuss anything you read here further. Also if you are simply looking for a D/s romance,I have two available The Seduction of Anne Ruby and The Seduction of Destiny Rhode are both available now from Siren Publishing, so check them out!
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