For a true submissive, we feel that need to submit all the time. However most will never recognize it for what it is. We're taught to be strong, independent women who don't need men and if we admit that we may want to actually submit to one, we feel like a traitor to our gender.
Being submissive is not a defect. It's not something to be "fixed." If it is recognized and channeled correctly, it can be the most amazing gift and most surprising source of strength.
I believe wholeheartedly that the real secret of life is authenticity. Discovering who you truly are, accepting and embracing it without judgment is the most freeing thing you will ever do.
I believe that across the board, but for the purpose of
this article, I am focusing our authenticity on being submissive. Many of us were raised to ignore huge parts of ourselves. We were raised to be who our parents or grandparents thought we should be and many people have never had a real opportunity to explore themselves and even more have been taught to be ashamed of things viewed as weakness. All this leads up to a constant state of denial of your soul which further leads to depression and an over all unsatisfied feeling with who you are and what your life is. Then we reach for medication to fix that and the destructive cycle begins.
When a submissive character is seen as a weakness, something to be shoved aside, or not recognized at all, this often leads us to make such bad decisions in our day to day life. A submissive person will act that way whether they are consciously aware of it or not. The problem is, if you present yourself as submissive, even subconsciously, there are people who recognize that and will take advantage of you.
Perhaps you'll recognize yourself in my story. I have been the woman most of my life who allowed everyone to walk all over me. I thought I was "being nice." I mean everyone from family, to the UPS guy who I'd apologize to for not answering the door fast enough. I may be an extreme case, but my misunderstood "need" to be submissive wrecked havoc all over my life and my relationships.
When I met a man who was a Dom and he expressed to me that my submission didn't have to be a component of my personality but my sexuality that was a life altering gift for me.
That meeting started me on a journey to understanding myself in a way I never had before. Slowly, I learned to channel all my submissive tendencies and needs in one direction, to my Dom. Keeping in mind this only works when you give your submission to someone worthy of it. It was NOT easy for me either because despite my submissive nature, I'm also fiercely independent and wildly rebellious, three things most would never assume go together but I blend them rather seamlessly :D
Luckily for me though, my Dom was patient and loving and slowly led me along the path letting me learn to trust him and letting me experience what it felt like when I gave myself to him, knowing it was for that moment in time, not in all things forever. I still owned me, but I could give myself to him, letting my guard and walls down freeing my soul to swim in a warm sea of safety and protection while it regenerated and blossomed into life.
Having a place that safe, knowing I could go there when I was overwhelemed or beaten down in my day to day life, made me strong. I found myself facing things I never would have in the past. I found myself saying no to people quite easily and meaning it. I found my strength through my submission in large part because my need to please was transformed from something that hurt me, to something I gave my Dom and was rewarded for greatly. My Dom also loved my strength. He was in no way interested in Dominating a weak person, there was no charge for him in that. He loved that as strong as I was, I'd chose him. I'd choose to surrender to him. That fed his soul the same as his Dominance fed mine. I quickly discovered, the stronger I was in my day to day life, the more proud he became of me and his being pleased with me, pushed me to achieve things I don't think I ever would have even tried before I knew him.
Being a sub for me, is like having wings, but having a tether at the same time. I feel safe in a way I don't any place else and that safety, for me, translates into courage and strength and a desire to release my adventurous spirit that I so often hold at bay.
For me, being submissive has been an extremely positive experience. That being said, too many women seem to go into D/s with the wrong idea, that it means giving themselves up. That they somehow are to lose themselves to their Dom and his desires. That is not the essence of a power exchange relationship.
It is so hard to sift through the muck out there these days in BDSM. It can be a confusing and scary place, but if you truly are submissive by nature, you need this, but you owe it to yourself to do it right.
The most important thing you can do for yourself in life, but especially if you intend to try submission, and I cannot stress this enough, KNOW YOURSELF.
None of us are ONE thing. You can't slap a label on and be done. Dom. Sub. Rebellious. Creative. Mom. Abusive victim. We may be all of these things or a myriad of other things, but we are never one thing alone. I think everyone owes it to themselves and all their relationships to be cognizant of who they truly are, what makes them think and feel the way they do, where their weaknesses are and what is most likely to sabotage them and also what their needs are, from life and from a partner.
I know this isn't the romantic spiel you want to hear, but all relationships have the capacity to do us great damage, none more so however than a D/s relationship. You are talking about giving yourself to another person in a way few ever will. If this is done wrong, done with a person who doesn't love and respect you, and your emotional and spiritual health, you can be very badly damaged and left judging the entire world of BDSM and in some cases, just men in general for your pain and disillusionment.
Anything that has great reward, requires work.
This is no different.
The problem with D/s for a sub is that you are required to put yourself in an extremely vulnerable position. Done with the wrong person, this can be damaging at best, fatal at worst and I'm NOT being overly dramatic.
However, if you do the work, you read, research, observe, talk to people. If you grow to know yourself and what you need, then learn to express that and not back down until you find the right fit for you, you will be rewarded with something rare and special that few ever find and as a submissive, you could find that piece of life's puzzle that has endlessly eluded you.
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